The · Dark · Side · of · the · Spoon

I've had a lot of homework lately and that's been brinign me down. I HATE writing papers. I've also been working on a lot of commissions, and still have quite a few more to do. I think I'm down to 20 bucks in my bank account. My mom is taking out a loan to help me, and I should really get a job to save up to pay her back, or to help my own cause as well. ugh. I don't want to think of how annoyed I'll be working and going to school fulltime. We'll see what happens.

Today was a decent day, mood-wise. I still have been pretty unproductive and haven't gotten out much lately. I need to get my peoples together and start having more of a social life! Today felt so much like a friday, which is really disappointing. I know I'm going to wake up tomorrow so warm and comfy in my bed, and it's going to be freezing in the apartment. I will not want to get up for the life of me! I almost didn't go to school today. I've already missed about 5 days of my oil painting class though, and I've been late a handful of times..at least.. so I decided to go.

I can't wait for Halloween, but I still don't have any plans. Anyone know of any cool parties that'll be happening? And events that aren't 21+. I still don't know if I'm going to dress up, and if so, what I'm going to be. It's coming up so quickly. If I let it pass me by, I'm going to hate myself for it! MUST FIND COOL STUFF TO DO!! And drinking is a must.

Well I need to go keep warm, which probably means I'll be passing out..

Current Location:	Apartment
Current Mood:	okay
Current Music:	Gary Numan - An amazing Cars remix.

Uusally I know exactly what I'm going through and know my feelings pretty well, but the past few months have been undescribable. Maybe miscellaneous? I can't really understand or label my mood and thoughts lately. Kinda weird. I feel like I'm on a drug that's making me really laid back and apathetic, but I'm not. And this is a daily occurence. I guess I'm somewhat frustrated by some things, but again, I'm too apathetic to really care. I don't understand other people as much as I used to. I used to be able to smell a phony or bad person a mile away, but everything is becoming blurry. I don't want to be naive, but I feel as if I am. I'm too much of a coward to ever stand up for myself or to ever start anything. I'm too shy and definately way too self-concious. I tried bettering myself emotionally in that area, and for a while I was doing pretty good, but it's falling back again. So much fucking uncertainty. My head is way too cloudy. Nothing is clear anymore. Sounds, tastes, smells, thought. Nothing. I can't focus when I'm out, I'm always drifting. It seems the only time I can focus is when I'm creating. And on that note, I still am lacking the motivation and inspiration that use to fuel me. I am thankful I have a peaceful private place, my own home, to collect these pointless thoughts in. Ha. Really though, I am.

I'm sure none of this makes any sense, I'm just in a mood to ramble and I need to try to figure myself out. I don't get me one damn bit. I don't know what I'm always so afraid of, but it's holding me back from so much. I never take chances, I'm not the leader I used to be. I want to be fearless and I want to love myself. I've been saying for years I need some self-improvement, but I just don't know where to start. I'm not sure if I love the independency and the silence, or if I really am lonely deep down inside. I felt like there was a gap when I was with Nick, but strangely I don't feel that gap anymore. I don't necessarily feel complete, but I don't think a significant other is what's missing in my life right now. I'm trying to figure out what is. The stupid thing is, if I do ever figure it out, I probably won't do a damn thing about it.

I feel I've changed a lot to other people over the years, but I still feel the same inside, just a little duller. I don't know if people actually enjoy my company, or honestly really find me annoying. Maybe they're humoring me? Using me? I do have a few close friends that I'm not including in this, I'm mostly talking about school friends, aquaintances, etc.. I wish people would be sincerely honest with me. I need to know what they think of me, maybe they can help me improve myself. And if they aren't a sincere friend, why are they wasting their time with me? Is there something they're trying to get out of me? I don't feel paranoid, but from the looks of these rambles I sure as hell seem to be.. I think far too much. I dig too deep into the miniscule details that I always miss the bigger picture. I am always mislead onto neverending consequences and scenarios, playing over and over again in my head. I'm completely oblivious. My world isn't as sharp or as easy as everyone elses is. Why do I make things so difficult?

Ok.... I'm seriously done rambling now. This was kind of a venting/theraputic thing.. I guess.

Current Location:	Apartment
Current Mood:	confused
Current Music:	Stereolab playing in my head

I'm back in the city now and back to my same routine of nothingness. I'm going to see KMFDM on tuesday, so that should be fun. Unfortunately another show I was really anticipating seeing will not be happening for me anymore :(. It's a 21+ show and a friend of mine was going to be able to get me in, but now there was a change in doorman and I won't be able to. Who the hell knows when Cinema Strange will be coming back to Chicago!! Ugh! I was also supposed to be taking care of my 5 and a half months of celibacy, but sadly that never fell through, and probly won't. Either he realized I really am nasty and ugly, or I just drove him away with my annoying self, as now he's pretty much ignoring me. Who knows, maybe he chickened out. I'll find a possible hump one of these days I guess, ha.

I'm still feeling kind of apathetic every now and then, but not nearly as badly as I used to. I seem a lot happier and upbeat lately. Even though I don't feel lonely, I still turn into a bitter old woman whenever I see happy couples around me. I want to tear out their lovers hearts and smush it with my boots! Ok, not that bad, but I still sneer at it. I don't want a relationship yet at the same time I do. I think I just miss the affection and company. It feels so hopeless, I don't go out much so I don't think I'm bound to ever meet anyone. I'm also way too picky it seems. I want to find someone who is perfect for me in every area, though I'll be searching forever if I keep that up. Yeah, I don't know. I confuse myself sometimes. Even though I'm bitching about all of this, I am pretty content with my life right now. Whatever. I'll just go with the flow.

I missed Nocturna again. I've been wanting to check it out. Even though I'd probably just quietly stand in a corner and watch everyone. I wasted another beautiful day today with my laziness and procrastination. I also still have some homework to do that I'm really not motivated to start. I was going to do laundry, but well, you know how that goes. Tomorrow..

I finally got my hair touched up. My roots were awful and my color was getting faded and orangey. Now I'm back to the bright ass red. I'm sure it was a pain in the ass separating my hair and doing the red and black on each half. Thanks Geneve for doing it for me :). I love having a beautician as a best friend. She does my hair and in exchange, I give her art prints! Haha.

So...yeah... I think I'm just gonna snuggle up in my bed now and pass out til 6am. That sounds great, actually.

Tacos for lunch tomorrow..

Current Location:	Apartment
Current Mood:	tired
Current Music:	Siouxie and the Banshees

I started school and am enjoying it so far. I started my illustration major and am taking oil painting as an elective. So far so good. My schedule kind of sucks as Wednesdays I have a 3 and a half hour gap inbetween classes. It isnt fun hanging out in the library or cafeteria doing nothing for that long, but whatever.

I'm showing some work at Spybar on the 23rd. I ordered some prints of my newer work, but I'm not sure if they'll come in in time, as today is already the 20th. I'll also be showing at a gallery for a Halloween themed exhibit. I completely forgot the name and location of the place though... I'll post more info on that later.

I've got some fun concerts coming up. I'll be seeing KMFDM (once I get a ticket anyway), Ladytron and The Dresden Dolls. I REALLY REALLY want to see Cinema Strange, but it's 21+ :( DAMN IT!

I decided to stop smoking and haven't had a cigarette since friday, so far so good on that.

I've been eating far too much macaroni lately. Fun little spiderman and shrek shapes.

I haven't been doing a lot outside of school which sucks. I need to get out more. I should try working on that. I should also try working on getting a job. I will however hopefully be taking care of my unwanted 5 months of celibacy soon, so that's great news.

hmm..what else.... Not much going on in Cristina land, as usual. I do know that I must have a drinking night soon. It's something that must happen, RIGHT VAL??? Drinks, pizza and movies. YES! My place is fine...so...come on people.